Helping You Understand

You just don’t understand.

 
So, let me try to help you…

That first sentence has slipped though my lips more times than I can count. The second sentence usually does not; mostly because after the original sentence, I am trying to hold back tears and a sense of failure. So let me try to explain, in what way that I can…

The word “understand” means this: to be thoroughly familiar with; grasp the idea of; grasp the importance of.  I don’t think that anyone can fully understand something unless they’ve a) been through the situation, or b) discuss the “thing” in depth and detail with a living, breathing person. In application to my situation, you cannot understand the panic, guilt, and sorrow that accompany a car wreck victim unless you are one, or you talk to one for more than 15 minutes about the event.

Here are the things that I think you need to know if I am riding with you:

-       1) PTSD is real and it’s real scary: When it comes to reactions to things in the car, I’m not in control of how my body reacts.  I cannot “calm down” no matter how forcefully, or how many times, you say it. Trust me, you DO NOT want to go through 5 panic attacks in one car ride. It’s not pleasant. I don’t want to feel like I’m suffocating, that I’m going to pass out; I like oxygen, truly.

-       2)  When I close my eyes, it’s usually because something I just saw reminded me of what I saw .5 seconds before my car was obliterated (not because I want to take a nap).  Whether it is the color of a vehicle, the make/model of a vehicle, the surroundings, the weather, the way the road turns, the way the vehicle ahead is turning, what is coming in my peripheral vision – something in my vision field has reminded me of the car wreck.  The best way to get rid of that bad memory is to remove it from sight and take a deep breath. Yes, there may even be a physical response: a shudder or attempting to shake the memory out of my brain (it doesn’t work, unfortunately), or putting my hands over my eyes. 98% of the time, I am not closing my eyes because you are scaring me; I will tell you if you are a scary driver, trust me.

-     3) Certain sounds make me nervous and need to take a deep breath. Ambulances and fire trucks are big in this category, especially since I was injured and needed those services.  Sirens trigger a response that takes me back to the moments of “ouch”, and “I can’t move my legs/arms/neck”. Also, things like squealing tires and loud noises can make my heart rate jump to 180. It’s a Pavlov response thing: If the last thing you heard before being bruised from head to toe was squealing tires and had something large hit you, that sound will instantly remind you of ouchies again. 

-       4) Just like sounds, certain smells can have a bad effect on me. Squealing tires usually give a burnt rubber smell. I could hardly stand to be in a parking garage after my highway crash. It’s a signal to my brain to want to panic. I need to breathe through this situation. The first month after my 2^nd wreck, I dissolved into tears and shook from head to toe at the sight of emergency vehicles…so really, I’m better than I was.

-       5) This one is hard to explain…accelerations/decelerations can absolutely make me panic. You know Newton’s first and third laws of motion, right? That every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it; and for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction? Yeah, so when a car pushed me into an at-eye-level semi trailer (all of us traveling at 70ish mph), I spun out and was sent in the opposite direction, and 3 months later when I was traveling 40mph downhill, and a 2,000 lb work van hit me head on, I stopped. VERY quickly, and VERY forcefully, and VERY painfully. The rapid deceleration (aka, brakes) that you may apply makes my heart want to explode. When you take off quickly, we are naturally pushed back into the seat a bit, but when you are tossed around a car and forcefully stopped by seat belts, airbags and steering wheels, it’s not a cool feeling like it was when you were 5.

-       6) Bad hospital stays make things worse. The first night was a nightmare because of a bad IV not getting any pain meds to me. The second night, my nightmares became living monsters because of a bad reaction to muscle relaxers. During that time, it was hard for me to distinguish between what was real and what was dreams. If you had to recollect a wreck (that was amplified in the dream because of drugs) every 10 minutes for 6+ hours, you just become naturally jumpy and shaky. It’s just a fact of life now. When you don’t feel safe in your dreams, it’s hard to feel safe in real life sometimes (talk about Nightmare on Elm street...)

-       7) Being jostled can also be a trigger for panic. When you are hit from any side in a car, you feel it in every bone, muscle, tendon, and cell in your body.  We know that drunks survive more crashes because they are loose and limber, whereas sober people tense up and brace themselves – sustaining more injuries and higher probability of death. Having an air bag deploy (read: explode) in your face does not tickle. I remember checking for my front teeth and touching my nose after the airbags because my face and head hurt so badly. My chest hurt from impact with air bag, steering wheel, and seatbelt straps, and my knees hurt from collisions with the dash board. Therefore, sudden turns, stops, and whatever else, still bother me. My ambulance driver also went over a pair of very rough RR tracks at 40mph…also not a fun feeling.  My gurney was bouncing and the EMT with me had to hold on to keep upright – He who was whole and healthy was holding on and then there’s me with bones sticking out, body bruised & bleeding. Long story short, RR tracks still make me tense up.

When you put all these factors together over the course of one car ride, sometimes even going through all of this in a matter of seconds, being in a car can be terrifying. It doesn’t matter how long ago the accident was, or how much you say you're “over it”, your body is still reacting to the stimuli around you and trying to avoid the feelings it felt on Day Zero.

Feelings of guilt crop up because there is genuine guilt and shame at still feeling scared. I don’t want to be scared to drive or ride with someone.  I always LOVED the car..LOVED donuts in the snow…LOVED stomach dropping turns and hills…LOVED carefree country drives. I feel bad about feeling scared, and feel bad that you may be upset at me for getting scared…

I cannot control the panic and bile that rises within me when these things happen. My only solution is to breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe slowly and deeply. I cannot help that my voice shakes, and trust me when I say I despise the tears that want to squeeze out. No matter how much I will them away, they come because my body is re-living what happened – this time without the adrenaline to sedate the nerves and suppress my senses. These times my feelings are raw and uninhibited, and I am still learning how to manage them, and how to manipulate them so that I can enjoy being in a vehicle again. I don’t want to be tense from point A to point B every time I sit inside one. 

No matter how much you sigh; no matter how many times you tell me to “calm down” or “you’re overreacting”; no matter how much you think I’m okay and back to normal...I’m not – but I am learning to be okay again. All I need you to do is try to understand.  I don’t expect you to fully comprehend my experience, just be patient and willing to understand.

One day I will be okay. I’m better than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than today. 

One day at a time.  

One Year Later...

A year ago today, I was hit head on by a loaded down work van that ran a stop sign.  I was going 40 and he was going between 20-30, so that puts impact somewhere between 60 and 70 mph. Let’s just say it wasn’t a happy camper day.  

It was supposed to be a busy day: I was out running errands for church & my kiddos there, then I was supposed to deliver food for a funeral, and prepare for another funeral the next day where I would be singing with 2 others. It all came to a screeching halt (quite literally) around 10:30 that Friday morning though. The way that he pulled out and hit me, I just knew he would be dead. I was terrified that I killed him. No, it wouldn’t have technically been my fault, but that was something I wasn’t prepared to deal with. And when I say terrified, I mean I was absolutely freaking out about the welfare of that man. 

The problem was though, that I couldn’t move from behind the wheel. My left wrist wasn’t working correctly and it was crazy swollen, my ankle wasn’t working – it wouldn't lay flat on the floor, it just kept turning over – my face hurt like I just got beat up, my whole body felt stiff, and I felt so disoriented.  But it just so happened that a police officer was driving up the road at that exact moment, and the fire/EMS station was right up the road, so help was there quickly. The medics wouldn’t tell me how badly I was hurt, and with that, I knew it wasn’t good.  Surprisingly, and thanks to the adrenaline coursing through me, I managed to stay calm and collected – I was even making jokes with the firemen who were with me trying to get me out of the car. 

From that moment on, everything changed. My ankle was bent inward at 61 degrees, and everything shattered inside my ankle – I had bone missing, for goodness sake, the impact to my lower body was so forceful it disintegrated bone. Plus, both bones in my wrist were broken. I  have gone through incredible pain; pain that I didn’t know I could go through.  I was without pain meds for nearly 12 hours after the initial surgery, I went through an allergic reaction to muscle relaxers that sent me into hallucinations and flashbacks of the accident. It was horrific to put in the least. 

So where am I one year later..

- 4 surgeries

- 23 screws, 3 plates inserted AND taken out

- 1 staph infection

- 18 pins via Halo fixator

- 6 weeks total off work

- 6 weeks worth of PICC line antibiotics

- Thousands of pills (over 1000 just in Percocet)

- 1 fused ankle

- And 365 nights of nightmares.

But there is a however. The however in my case is that I still stand SO blessed. It’s not been easy, and the only thing that has gotten me through it all is my Savior. One of the reasons I was so scared that the other man might have died is that What if he wasn’t a Christian, wasn’t saved, wasn’t on his way to heaven? It may sound self righteous and fake, but I am honestly thankful it was me who was seriously hurt, rather than him. He was able to walk away and hopefully be more careful while driving. 

It’s been a long year. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, and I have a wonderful place of employment. They have been so considerate, and so understanding of my situation. My principal has prayed with me, my students have prayed for me, and my administration has prayed for me. I am so undeserving of these blessings. 

Like I said, it’s been a crazy year.  I still get anxious at intersections, traffic still makes my heart race, I still have panic attacks, and I still need to cry about it sometimes.  But I am great. I am healing, and will be (read: should be) walking and mostly back to normal by summer. 

I have a wonderful family, great (very small circle of) friends, a great place to move into this coming spring, and best of all, Christ in my heart. What more do I need other than Christ? I can only hope that someday someone will say of me: She was happy even in her darkest time because of Christ in her heart. 

I don’t want to praise Him in my happy times only, I want to praise Him even more in my valleys, because that’s when I need Him most.

Man, I really stink at this

Where does the time go? It seems like one moment you stoop down to tie your shoe, and when you straighten up, 2 years have passed you by.
One of the last times I wrote, I talked about all the craziness in my life. Well, that craziness is till going on!

School is great. I LOVE my kids. Yes, they are trying my patience, and no, I don't let things slide- I'm a bit like their drill sergeant that the love to hate. Haha but really, I am SO incredibly happy there at MCS and am so thrilled that God put me there! My colleagues are amazing and I love them so so so much.

Now, about my ankle. Sigh. Surgery number 3 was a six hour ordeal on October 2nd and I now have an external fixator/halo thing-ma-bob  on my foot/leg/ankle that consists of 18 pins holding me together. Not fun. However, the pain is a crap ton less than before- so that is AWESOME. Bad thing is that I will be having another surgery around Thanksgiving, and then another one to remove this fixator in February. Happy birthday to me. Hopefully once he fuses my ankle and does the bone graft from my hip, I will be close to back to normal. I'm trusting God to take care of me.

My very good friend, Zack Richards, passed away last month after a 15 month battle with leukemia. He had the most amazing testimony, and even as I write this, tears come to my eyes from missing him. I'll not be able to sing with him again this side of Heaven, but I know I'll see him again and sing with perfect voices up there. I miss him daily, and my heart goes out to his parents; who I also call mom and dad, and his brother is counted as my brother.  I sang with 3 others at his funeral the song we used to sing together: I have Been Blessed. Zack reached so many people in his 18 years of life. There were over 700 people at his funeral, and possibly 25+ saved. Glory to God!  I haven't come to delete his texts from my phone, and they say time heals all pain, but as much as I miss him, I know he is now pain and cancer free, and singing praises to his savior; what more could I ask for as his friend and sister?

Leaving it a bit short tonight. Sleep is still an elusive friend to me, but counting sheep and praying to the shepherd has become my consolation.

Always, Annie

Hurt

Waking me up out of a nightmare
It starts with the stiffness
And becomes a dull ache
Then turns into full blown, can't-even-move, mind numbing pain.

All I want is sleep.
Pure, unadulterated, undisturbed bliss.
But it never comes anymore.
Especially since the day that changed my life &  hospital mishaps

Then the tears come.
Even though I always try to hold them in
But I can't all of the time
Not when pain is this intense.

I can't move
All I can feel is the throbbing
All I can see is the softball size swelling
Pushing against my compression sock.

My walker is the only thing that can help me
Hopping on my good foot
Is the only way I force myself out of bed
In hopes of medication taking the pain away.

It doesn't fully.
Actually it makes everything worse.
Headaches. Night terrors. Panic attacks.
But it dulls the pain to something more tolerable.

I get angry
At the fact I will face the rest of my life
With bad days like this.
Even though I am angry, I've forgiven him.

For what he has done to me
Should haunt him and make him think
About stop signs and me.
But it all doesn't matter because I've forgiven him.

And my God is big enough for me.

A plethora of good things

My life has gotten crazy once again; or rather, it's continued it's craziness! There are so many good things happening right now that I can barely contain myself sometimes.

1) I am now officially employed

     I will be the new freshman & sophomore English teacher at Middletown Christian School in Middletown Ohio. Seriously, I am SO STOKED!!! Eeeeeeeee!! But yes, anxiousness has settled in and I have almost no idea what I'll be teaching exactly. Cool. We all know how me and The Unknown are best buds (sarcasm if you can't tell). Granted, the salary is minimal, but it is experience and in a SPECTACULAR place. No joke, I absolutely love it there already: the people are great, it's a God-oriented place, a small school and NO POLITICS. If you know me well enough, you know that I absolutely loath school politics. I'm always ready to knock someone out when it comes to that horse rubbish. I am so short tempered when it comes to shallow jerk faces & school politics. (And journalists. But that's another issue & story lol)

2) I am officially moving out of my parents' house (soonish)! 

     To make a semi long story short, I'll be renting from my parents in a house that's around the corner from where we live now. Also, my Georgia cousin is moving in with me and I am SO STOKED!!!! We are fixing it up over the course of the next 9-12 months (it has been a rental in my family for the past, uh, 28 years and it has been totally trashed) and that way I can also save up money since number 1 is real! The fact that my cousin is moving in with me is also reason for me to almost go insane with delight. Cecily is the only ( and I mean only person outside of a husband) that I can see myself living with and not actually commit murder. And since there is no man on the horizon for me (or her as she tells me), we might as well have be amazing together and have a house of awesome. Legit. House of Awesome should be our address- cause that is what it will be. 

3) my ankle is still on the mend

     Yes, I still have A LOT of pain, and some days it's all I can do to keep from sobbing all day, but I am walking now without a cane or walker (unless pain is too terrible and I need something to lean on). I've taken a lot of thought to how this will affect me for the rest of my life, and even though those are depressing thoughts, I'm ready to tackle the future. But maybe not literally. There will be no push-ups for me anymore since my wrist cannot bend 100% normally, and I won't be able to go for a run on the beach this summer on vacation, but as always, God is good no matter what. 

My life is finally coming together and I am so excited and thankful. Although, I was thankful to God before all of this, it just seems like things are looking up for me. All I need now is my Mister Right. hahahaha. And he appears to be non existent. I'll just be known as the girl who can't even get a date and the ways things look now, I probably never will. But ya never know, maybe there's a man out there who can deal with all of me, treat me like the only woman around and actually wants to be my other half... And who can charm my dad haha good luck boys ;) 

Anyway.. Writing like a 16 year old is weird for me... I never write about guys & dates much, so I apologize. Have a splendid night/day/life.

Andrea

Time for more Annie facts:

-being interviewed by a family friend who's known you forever... Is weird. Just weird. 

-Christian school kids are the same as public school kids...only sneakier.

-I am totally over this broken bone thing. Therapy hurts like a (insert über painful analogy here) and I'm ready to be better.

-igot to drive for the first time in 5 months yesterday: incredibly satisfying yet ridiculously nerve wracking. All my anxiousness and panic isn't completely gone yet. 

- in the past few weeks, I've gotten identified as a high school kid. Not cool, society. I'm 24 and I'm pretty sure I look like it. 

-I got to see my Fairborn juniors graduate last week. I felt like a mom to 120 kids. Seriously, I was so proud and still am. They may think I was ridiculous, mean, scatterbrained, whatever, and maybe crazy for being so proud, but I really am. I'm excited for them to start the journey into adult land. I just wish they truly knew how much I care for them in a big sister way- and I wish I could be there for all of the, when they need the big sister moments. Okay- emotional blubbery over. 

G'night y'all! 

Day 118

It's 118 days post wreck. Where have the days went? It's also a little sad that I establish things in reference to my wreck.
Am I over it? Not yet.
Do I still have pain? Definitely.
But I am getting there.

This past week, the ladies went on a retreat to gatlinburg. It was such a blast. I haven't laughed that much in almost 2 years. It was amazing. I hurt quite a bit from it all, but it was SOO worth it to go. I was in charge of devotions for the week, and they went spectacularly. Seriously, God used me to present some great stuff and bring our ladies closer. I am so so so glad I went.

Getting back yesterday, I'm getting back into the swing of things. I'm still stressed about life and a job. Very stressed about a job. I really need prayers. I am so stressed and wanting a job so much. I honestly feel worthless being unemployed, and unable to do much. Top that off with being the most single person around. It all adds up to being stressed. I know I complain about my job status and me being a,  as I call it "no mister sister", but those are two things I worry about.

And being day 118, of course I worry about my life with all this hardware in me, and being in pain for the rest of my life and these hideous scars on my leg. I'm trying to give things to God, but I'm having problems letting go.

Until next time,
Stressed Annie

Cancer just sucks

I have this friend.. Actually, he's more like a little brother to me. I've known him since the beginning of our lives, our dads work together and are best friends; having been so since teenagers, and our moms are great friends too. I've always been in church with the family, and Zack is the best picture of a godly young man I know. He's a senior, 17, leads the singing at church, and has leukemia. Bad leukemia.

Tonight this kid is laying in a Cincinnati hospital bed,  burning up with a dangerously high fever, vomiting, and scared. He's been sick for almost a year now, and has never complained once. He's been to church as much as he can, and loves God beyond everything. Zack needs every prayer he can.

I am absolutely heartbroken for him and his family. His situation is very bad, and I truly love this guy  with every "big sister" role I've never been able to genetically be. Please pray for him, send positive thoughts up if you do not pray; but I am a strong and firm believer that prayer does work, and God is so real in our lives. We are praying for his complete healing and full recovery, but mostly, we are praying for God's will. I am scared, nervous and emotional for him, his parents, and brother. Please, please pray.

Cancer just sucks, but God is ALWAYS good, merciful, and right.