its been such an emotional roller coaster for me this week..and I don't know why...this is so totally unlike me.
I'll be honest...Amber..reading your blog, about the dam breaking...touched something deep in me...I read it, re-read it, read it again. All the while sitting there with my mascara and eyeliner running, trying to wipe away the tears which were falling too fast for me to actually catch. Why did it strike me so deep? I'm not entirely sure, I think I'm waiting for my own dam to break, the one that I still cant put a finger on where its located... and I couldn't even think of how to express that, until I read those words...
Johnna, I know that feeling of being lost in a haze of what you feel...I know that feeling of distraction. Reading and keeping up with you two's blogs...I find something new everyday, and even if it sounds strange coming from a "stranger", I can feel a connection to what you're feeling...
Sometimes I feel so inadequate...My feelings get in the way..and my issues seem so trivial. I don't have to worry about a husband possibly getting deployed, I don't have children to worry about or take care of...I don't have a household to manage, or bills to pay...or even a job to work.
My biggest complaint today was someone who repetitively wasn't paying attention in Sign Language class, or the person who was acting like an idiot in the parking lot...My biggest worry as of now is what classes I will be taking to graduate on time, if i need to take a summer class in order to do so...These things are SO childish and seem to mess up my days...as I sit here, on my 21st birthday, I realize and acknowledge the woman I need to be...Childish things should pass away, and a new coat needs to be put on...I want so hard to be the woman that God intended me to be...but looking around...my life and 'problems' seem so little...soo unnecessary...and I get afraid, of not living up to the expectations of others...of the expectations I put on myself, and my tunnel seems so long...when I know it is so short, compared to the trials of other, and I feel so selfish for having a so called bad day..when it was actually a pretty good one...
...Church last night was great. The last Sunday of every month we have what is called a "yack n snack" where everyone brings food and after the service we eat (snack) and we fellowship and have a good time (thus the yacking part). If there happens to be a fifth Sunday, we have a "singsperation' where basically anyone who wants to sing, can. All the songs were truly wonderful, and spoke to my heart. Walking in last night, I had no idea that Allie, Rachel and I were going to sing our Blessed song. Heck, none of us knew the all words until we walked up on stage...we hadn't sang that song since July..But on the request of a man in the church, we sang it. My verse came along, and I started out pretty good...but then I really started to think about the words I was singing...and I almost lost it there on stage...
[...He's my shoulder to lean on, when I am down
that rock where he leads me when I'm over whelmed,
That place where he hides me, under his wing,
He's not just a song, He's the reason I sing... ]
I am So incredibly glad that I have that shoulder, that wing to hide under, I really don't know where or what I'd be without Him and his amazing Grace...
looking ahead...I am so thankful I can go ahead and lean on His arms for what lays ahead...because I know i cant make it without Him......I have no clue what God has in store for me....or really, who He wants me to completely be...but leaning on Him, and padded by prayers of others...I know I can make it through my Haze..through my Tunnel...because every tunnel does, in fact, come to an end...
I'll be honest...Amber..reading your blog, about the dam breaking...touched something deep in me...I read it, re-read it, read it again. All the while sitting there with my mascara and eyeliner running, trying to wipe away the tears which were falling too fast for me to actually catch. Why did it strike me so deep? I'm not entirely sure, I think I'm waiting for my own dam to break, the one that I still cant put a finger on where its located... and I couldn't even think of how to express that, until I read those words...
Johnna, I know that feeling of being lost in a haze of what you feel...I know that feeling of distraction. Reading and keeping up with you two's blogs...I find something new everyday, and even if it sounds strange coming from a "stranger", I can feel a connection to what you're feeling...
Sometimes I feel so inadequate...My feelings get in the way..and my issues seem so trivial. I don't have to worry about a husband possibly getting deployed, I don't have children to worry about or take care of...I don't have a household to manage, or bills to pay...or even a job to work.
My biggest complaint today was someone who repetitively wasn't paying attention in Sign Language class, or the person who was acting like an idiot in the parking lot...My biggest worry as of now is what classes I will be taking to graduate on time, if i need to take a summer class in order to do so...These things are SO childish and seem to mess up my days...as I sit here, on my 21st birthday, I realize and acknowledge the woman I need to be...Childish things should pass away, and a new coat needs to be put on...I want so hard to be the woman that God intended me to be...but looking around...my life and 'problems' seem so little...soo unnecessary...and I get afraid, of not living up to the expectations of others...of the expectations I put on myself, and my tunnel seems so long...when I know it is so short, compared to the trials of other, and I feel so selfish for having a so called bad day..when it was actually a pretty good one...
...Church last night was great. The last Sunday of every month we have what is called a "yack n snack" where everyone brings food and after the service we eat (snack) and we fellowship and have a good time (thus the yacking part). If there happens to be a fifth Sunday, we have a "singsperation' where basically anyone who wants to sing, can. All the songs were truly wonderful, and spoke to my heart. Walking in last night, I had no idea that Allie, Rachel and I were going to sing our Blessed song. Heck, none of us knew the all words until we walked up on stage...we hadn't sang that song since July..But on the request of a man in the church, we sang it. My verse came along, and I started out pretty good...but then I really started to think about the words I was singing...and I almost lost it there on stage...
[...He's my shoulder to lean on, when I am down
that rock where he leads me when I'm over whelmed,
That place where he hides me, under his wing,
He's not just a song, He's the reason I sing... ]
I am So incredibly glad that I have that shoulder, that wing to hide under, I really don't know where or what I'd be without Him and his amazing Grace...
looking ahead...I am so thankful I can go ahead and lean on His arms for what lays ahead...because I know i cant make it without Him......I have no clue what God has in store for me....or really, who He wants me to completely be...but leaning on Him, and padded by prayers of others...I know I can make it through my Haze..through my Tunnel...because every tunnel does, in fact, come to an end...
Andrea: I appreciate you reading me blog and I am so glad that it touched you. I have always wanted the things I say to connect with someone out there.
ReplyDeleteYou do not have small problems, and you do not need to feel bad about having a bad day. The scale of our problems change as life changes. When I was still in nursing school, before I was married I always worried about campus parking and passing my tests and the stupid people that somehow always were in my class. Then I got married and I had all those school troubles along with the bills and everything. Now this deployment problems seem to have fallen on top, but hey at least I don't have campus parking to worry about! And I will be the first to tell you that school parking is one of the worst things ever. Every time you mention it I sympathize, because I have totally had to walk through alleys in downtown Dayton due to lack of parking. And then right after sympathizing, I do the happy dance cause I don't worry about it anymore. :)
It sounds like you had a great church service. I love the words of the song you sang too.
God has all these mysteries in store for you, and although it is sometimes hard to figure them all out, you will get there.
And when that dam breaks, He will be there.