Blessings

It’s the last hours before the last day of the year. Craziness. This year has flown by! So many things have transpired this year that will escape my memory. I have met so many people that have had an impression on my heart and life. Some of those people that have popped into my life will, I believe, be lifelong friends. SO many blessings have rained down on me from God, and only from Him. It amazes me how many things have happened in my life that God has given when I don’t deserve one small part of them. God has been good this year.

My photography has taken off, and I love it. Being with my camera, snapping small moments in time is such a rush for me. It is in those small moments that I feel free to be me; I can see the world through my lens and allow everyone to view the photo in their own eyes. And making a little money doing it, isn’t so bad either-though that is most definitely not the reason why I use my camera. God has given me some small amount of talent through photography and want to use it. He gives each of us something special to use for His glory, and what right do we have NOT to use it? My prayer for 2011 is for God to use my talents more for Him. Eventually I would like to take a few photography classes to hone my little amount of skills, but that is in the future.

I will graduate in 6 months. Wow. For some, this may not be a big deal-but for me, this is huge. I will be the first in my family to graduate with a bachelors degree. I have worked hard to get here and it has not been an easy road. Some may say that English Education is not a profession that is worth getting excited over at graduation, but I pose a question- have YOU tried teaching a group of students where some have no desire to learn? Where some do not see the importance of reading? Where some do not like you for any apparent reason? Where you must help the group achieve good scores on standardized testing? Have you tried making a lesson plan from scratch that was successful (trust me..this is hard…and successful is incredibly arbitrary haha) ? Have you seen the effects of rough home lives, drugs, alcohol, bullying, and death on teenagers? I challenge you to think about people as an individual as you look at them. This is the role of a good teacher. Children are the future, and teachers share the immense burden of equipping the future with knowledge. I want nothing more than to be a good teacher. This will mean that sometimes I will not be popular. This means that doing the right thing will not always be the most liked thing. Sometimes I will stand alone. But I am prepared to do so. God is always near, and I pray that He is always included in my classroom. I covet your prayers as I continue my journey through these last months, and as I (hopefully) begin grad school in July. Yet another gift which God has blessed me with is the passion for teaching, and even thinking about a future classroom gives me butterflies. I am so excited, yet so incredibly scared to be on this adventure.

I have innumerable weaknesses, yet God has his hand on my life, and his spirit lives within me. I am so very thankful for a family that loves me, and being raised in a wonderful Christian home. I have been in church since 9mos before I was born, and was saved by the amazing grace of God at a young age. I am so incredibly blessed, yet I do not deserve them. This is the ultimate example of God’s grace-receiving something I do not deserve.

I am indecisive. I am not beautiful. I have a temper that sometimes gets me into trouble. I have an attitude that comes out when my temper is starting to show. Sometimes I do not show kindness to people. When I get tired, I am short with people. I am not thin. I am easily annoyed with stupid people. My patience sometimes wears thin. I do not tell of God’s saving grace to enough people. I do not read my Bible enough. My weaknesses outweigh my strengths, and these are a few of the things I wish to change in this upcoming year. With God as my guide, and the reason for my existence, I wish to give Him all the glory for the strengths which I possess. In my weakness I am made strong through Him.

I wish all of you a Happy New Year, and may God bless you in this new beginning. Don’t forget to stop and breathe every so often: take in the beauty of the things around you- a child’s smile, a couple in love, the silent company of a good friend, the smell of the rain or snow, the color of the sky, the song in your own heart.

beautiful

And you wonder why I say I'm not good enough. when you got all those beautiful faces when you walk in all those places, yeah- you try to act tough, play it down for me, but they're all what people see, that's why they never see me.

But Baby, if you could see me how I see me- look in MY mirror, see the empty space the unfilled place- the unbeautiful face.

Boy you dont know what its like, how it feels to be the last one chosen, the
un-chosen ugly duckling looking in, constantly wondering, feeling my faint heart beat thundering in my chest always knowing...

those beautiful faces will never be...me.

A path

ohh what a whirlwind life has become! It seems as if every post i make entails the blur of life. Its only Tuesday...but it seems like it should be Thursday..is it so terrible that I wish it were?

This week and next are both joyful and sorrowful: joyful in the sense that the quarter is wrapping up and I'll be finished until January; Sorrowful because I'll be leaving my freshmen at Trotwood. Some people pat me on the back and say "way to endure.." but I've loved it SO much!! School systems and communities obtain stigmas that are hard to shake, but when you look closer, all I see are children. Children who are in need of an education just as Oakwood, Kettering, and Valley View kids are. Is Trotwood HS the place that I can see myself teaching at? perhaps. I don't know exactly where God wants me at this moment. I do want to get the feel for other environments before I jump in head over heels though.

Coming out of this quarter, I have so much to think about. So many heavy things on my heart. I admit that I get bogged down with my thoughts, and try to fix other people's problems, but I just cant help it. And I'll probably more than likely die trying to save the world. Just a fact of life. So many things to think about as far as my teaching career goes, my life, God's will, and just the directions i want to take. But all in all, the only thing that matters to me is GOD'S will. I have to keep reminding myself that my life isn't my own...that God has everything perfectly planned out : as long as I keep close to him. Now that may sound a little strange, and i don't want to get into a theological discussion, but I wholeheartedly believe that God has things planned out for us as long as we stay on His path. Sometimes we tend to step off the path and do our own thing. This is where things go awry. Sometimes its hard to stay the course, but that is the fight we all must endure. I'm not sure where my path is going, sometimes I'm not even sure where the path may lead from day to day.
All I know is this: God has placed me on my journey, I am His and He is mine, The storms may blow, my tears may fall, He knows what's right for me, He always picks me up when I'm broken, and I will not question His path in my life.

this & that

Sometimes I feel Indescribable: Words cannot express those things I wish to convey,

Sometimes I hear My own voice: but it’s something foreign, lost and unsafe unlike the ships in bay.

Sometimes I see Things in the mirror: I’m searching through the debris.

I’m staring into the abyss, but the abyss stares into me.

If you only knew why I say the things I do,

Those simple phrases; well maybe they’re more of a cue.

If you only knew the things that transpire behind these hazel eyes,

Maybe I’m just looking for someone to look behind the disguise.

My thoughts can run deeper than the ocean,

You may disagree, but, you couldn’t keep up with the thought motion.

Even broken glass can throw a bright reflection,

Rainbows may be distracting, but it’s the shards that cause introspection.

Things I’ve learned:

- I need to work on getting my thoughts un-scattered.

- Heels are not such an amazing idea to wear when teaching all day. EVEN IF they are super cute. After about 11 hours on your feet, it is NOT a good thing.

- Some students will always have nasty attitudes, and will call you bad names.

- No matter how hard I try, I will not be able to save the world. But I will probably die trying.

- Some people…are just idiots. End of story.

- Some things…never change.

- I wish I had more confidence.

- There are some occasions when I think I am too organized, but it helps keep me sane most times.

- My friends are absolutely amazing. I dont know what i'd do without their support.

- I forgot how “butterflies” feel.

- Learning experiences should not be the same as feelings of self-disappointment, I need to work on feeling proud of myself instead of being my own worst critic.

- It is possible for me to feel beautiful…and it’s also possible for someone else to think so about me.

a few thoughts

[Just thought I’d swing by here before tucking in for the night..dropping off some of my thoughts. Been having so many thoughts through my head & heart lately…and sorting through them can prove to be quite difficult at times.]

Time has been slipping by so rapidly lately. Can you believe it’s already November?! (Well, tomorrow it will be!) It seems so impossible, but there’s nothing that can be done about it. So much has been happening around me, and sometimes it feels like I am standing still in this constant blur…trying and wanting to reach out into the motion; but so mesmerized, and knowing if I try to feel, it may all come crashing down on me.

My own personal blur will be slowing down soon. Wright State classes end for their huge winter break on November 19, so I have two more weeks at Trotwood High School, then finals week, and then I’m finished. Goodness, this quarter has been so short!! I will honestly miss my students and my CT at Trotwood, as well as the other department teachers. It has been such a great experience! (And no, I’m not just saying that because my own CT could possibly read this ;]). My time there has been amazing, and I’ve learned things about a classroom, and about myself. I need to speak up more, some people don’t believe I have the ability to ‘get loud and mean’ and running a classroom will force me to focus my scattered thoughts. Becoming a teacher sometimes scares the daylights outta me. Honestly, it does. Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder if this is where I belong…Is this REALLY what God intends for me? Then the next day I’m in the classroom, it all makes sense (usually…ha) and I know, I mean KNOW, this is where God wants me to be. This is my calling, and I will do everything in my power to serve HIM with the abilities He gave me in the first place. I just have to keep reminding myself that my miniscule talents and minute abilities ARE from Him, and for HIS use only.

This leads me to my next thought…at church tonight Allie, Ms. Rachel and I sang our “Blessed” song. By request of my mother, we sang this song we haven’t touched in such a long time…months. But like usual, every word, every note came back to us as we started singing. Such a great reminder: we ARE indeed blessed beyond our imagination. There weren’t many dry eyes in the auditorium, including my own. So many times we get caught up in our life, in the grind, in the chaos and forget to count our blessings…

When He walks among us, all that He does
All of His mercy, and all of His love,
If the pen of a writer, could write every day,
even this world, just COULDN'T contain
How I have been blessed.

Warmth in the winter, flowers in spring
laughter of summer, the changing of leaves
food on my table, a good place to sleep
clothes on my back and shoes on my feet,
Oh I have been blessed....

I HAVE BEEN BLESSED GOD'S SO GOOD TO ME
PRECIOUS ARE HIS THOUGHTS OF YOU AND ME
NO WAY I COULD COUNT THEM, THERES NOT ENOUGH TIME
SO I'LL JUST THANK HIM FOR BEING SO KIND,
GOD IS SO GOOD, SO GOOD
I HAVE BEEN BLESSED

Arms that will raise, a voice that will talk
hands that can touch, and legs that can walk.
Ears that can listen and eyes that can see,
Oh I've got to praise Him as long as I BREATHE,
for I have been blessed.

A father and mother, who nurtured and raised,
brothers and sisters and the memories made.
Our pastor to lead us, this alter to pray
Stripes that can heal, and a BLOOD THAT CAN SAVE.
Oh i have been blessed.

He's my shoulder to lean on, when I am down,
that rock where He leads me, when I'm overwhelmed.
That place where He leads me, when I am down,
He's not just a song, He's the REASON I sing.
Oh I have been blessed.

We live in a country, the GREATEST ON EARTH
where the flag stands for FREEDOM and what it is worth
she stands in the harbor, Miss Liberty calls
all have gave some, but some gave it all
FOR ME TO BE BLESSED

Like I said earlier, SO many thoughts in my mind..who knows, this may prove to be a writing week. Lyrics and poems have been going through my head constantly. One of these days I’ll get them all out, or mayyyybe find someone who is willing and wanting to listen to it all.

ramblings

I guess this would classify as a rambling post. But then again, I do believe all of mine are ;) It’s such a beautiful day out, and yet I’m inside..not gooood! Everything has been so pretty the past few days..and yet I’ve had so much on my mind. So many things are such a blur anymore, and I just don’t like it. Sometimes I wish life would slow down so I could actually take a deep breath of fresh air. But, life happens and I don’t think I’ll get a breath until next year. I’m letting myself get stressed out, which isn’t good at all. One, stress is just not good (duhh) and two, my body doesn’t handle stress well…headaches, hives, itching, horrible nightmares, yet people wonder why I make myself stay on top of things. If they only knew how it feels when I don’t stay organized and “over achieving”. . .

My student teaching is going very well. I am honestly enjoying it so much. ( I’ve been working on my lesson plan that my partner and I will be teaching soon, a CSI edition..woo!) I’ve grown attached to a lot of these kids, and it makes me long for my own classroom. It excites me SO much to think about my future classes and all the stuff I want to do. Maybe that’s just the young teacher in me, but to be completely honest, I never want to lose that sense of excitement for my class. God is so good to me and giving me the opportunity to teach children, how can I ever lose my joy in it?

I’ve not had time for a lot of photos throughout this journey, but hopefully once November rolls around, I’ll have more time. I’ve already got 9 orders for ABC frames, and two possible Senior shoots coming up, so things are gonna get even more hectic with my photography!! But I enjoy it so much, and I’m so very thankful God gave me a small bit of talent for photography.

Like I said, I’ve had a LOT on my mind lately, and just ask for your prayers. I try not to lose my optimistic view on life (too much of one, according to some), but yet I find myself laying awake at night…(or sitting out under the stars for the past few nights) and thinking about things around me, and Sometimes, it’s hard to hold back those few escaping tears; though I always (attempt to) cover them with a smile. The people I love, and the people around me deserve me at my best all the time, even when it’s hard to keep things inside. ( In case you’re wondering, nothing bad is going on..just a young girl dreaming and thinking about life…)

Annnyyhoooo…enough of my ramblings..gonna go find something else productive to do before heading to the farm for a family dinner. hope all is well with ya’ll!!! happppy gorgeous Saturday!!! :)

waiting

I wanna break every clock..
The hands of time could never move again..
We could stay in this moment..
For the rest of our lives..

I wanna be your last first kiss,
That you'll ever have...
I wanna be your last first love...that you'll ever have
Till your lying here beside me...
I wanna be your last first kiss for all time..
- Inevitable, Anberlin

waiting patiently for you,
waiting, waiting, i hope you're waiting too.

I want to know..who you are..I've been waiting for what seems too long,
I see your shadow, I feel your wind as you pass, I hear your whisper in most every song.

my first love, my first kiss, my everything you'll be,

sometimes it hurts so much, but no one else can see.

but I'm waiting, waiting with a covering smile, patiently for you,

waiting..i hope you're waiting and looking for me too.