according to His purpose

His eye is on the sparrow...and I know He watches me.

Life is crazy. Seriously - it’s crazy. Sometimes it’s the good crazy, and sometimes it’s the bad type of crazy (and yes…there IS a difference ;] ) . I’ve been neglectful of blogging lately, and the above is why…life is crazy.

Things in life can seem out of reach, they can seem like they’re never going to work out; yet, God has a plan. It’s really, REALLY hard to keep that in mind sometimes though. At this point in my life, I want nothing more than to be accepted to graduate school, receive my masters of education, and have my own classroom - I want it so bad that I dream about it. But since Saturday was my third attempt at passing the mandatory praxis exam for grad school entrance, I’m not so sure things will work out that way in the coming year.

The first failure, I was shocked; missed by ONE point. I cried. The second failure – 5 points…how is it possible to go down? I cried even more. I felt like a failure…again. I felt so incredibly stupid. To be honest, I still do. I’m disappointed in me. I feel that others are disappointed in me. I even apologized to my mother for not passing. I’m scared that I won't pass this third time. If I don’t pass…I won't be starting grad school in July. I may have to wait a year.

BUT…I have to keep reminding myself that things will work out according to God’s purpose and timeline. My timeline isn’t the same as His. It’s so hard to remember that…but you can't change the truth. I’m still fighting feelings of failure, feeling stupid, disappointment, and a slight bit of depression over this because it’s still on my mind every. Single. Day. But in the back of my mind, I know that things will work out…so I have to pull that to the front of my mind.

All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. :)

Things I’ve recently learned:

- When you think you know someone…most likely you don’t.

- God has to know what he’s doing, ‘cause I sure don’t.

- I do not know what to think about the movie Moulin Rouge…I don’t know whether to blush or laugh…I think a little of both happened haha

- Love (or the fall) is hard…but what’s meant to be will find its way.

- I’m immensely scared (but excited as well) about my future.

- I want to do something with the Deaf community…possibly enrolling at Sinclair and going through the Interpreting program.

- Something can be wanted and longed for so badly that it hurts…and it’s crushing when the goal gets farther away.

- I can't make everything okay for everyone…however much I try.

- Waking up to nightmares and tears is rather terrifying…and lonely.

- The PRAXIS test can go die, and I’d be okay with that.