its been a while...

I’m convinced that life has taken me hostage with no ransom.  Its been chaotic for the past few months and the only light I see is in June.  But, it’s a beautiful crazy and I’m loving every moment of the school chaos…usually. 

There’s only been one meltdown thus far.  Granted, it was a horrible one, and I’ve had several other moments where a hug, squeeze, or kiss on the forehead has saved me from another. I don’t think I have ever cried and sobbed so hard.  It’s funny that huge meltdowns can start with something so small, mine started with a bag of potato chips. *sigh*.  Everything pent up inside of me came flooding out and I had a solid meltdown for a good 30 minutes. It really wasn’t pretty. I think I’m better, I’m not convinced yet though.  Everything has been building up, school work, teaching, church things-the new role as church secretary forced upon me and everything else that has happened.  There’s a reason for Wright State’s national ranking in the Integrated Language Arts Master’s of Ed degree. Completing a master’s degree in 10 months – or really, 8 ½ to 9 with the breaks in there – is tough, rough and everything in between.  But, it’s worth it, even if there are a few meltdown breakdowns along the way. 

I love what I do.  I love these kids.  I know each and every 118 of them by first and last name.  I know something about their life. I love teaching them.  I love interacting with them and helping them have light-bulb moments.  It’s amazing. Everything is going so well, and I am so blessed to be working with them.  The 620am leave time is not so amazing, but everything else is.

I ask for prayers for our small church.  We have an interim pastor now, and he’s a really great man.  His wife is amazingly nice as well.  Most of the hard transition probably comes from my end, but there are a lot of things that need worked out still.  As mentioned, the position of church secretary has been placed on me and I’m struggling to keep up with everything.  Though, I created an awesome letter head all by myself and the bulletin looks good each week with the proper grammar, even if no one else notices; ha.

This transition has been immensely hard for me.  Bitterness and sadness seem to have taken over certain aspects of me, and I’m trying to overcome them.  Sometimes it’s the rain that saves me and takes the place of the tears I want to let out, but there is so much positive in my life that I cannot dwell on too much sadness.  Photography is another saving grace in my life, when I get to pick it up.  With the break of WSU work coming, hopefully I’ll be able to pick up a few photography jobs…hopefully. 

Back to the grind of homework and prepping for students tomorrow.  Plus side: I’ll be subbing tomorrow, so yay for being paid!

feelings

things really do not make much much sense sometimes. I've been having a really hard time in the past week dealing with some things in my life. Honestly, it feels as if things have been turned upside down...and I've no clue as to how to deal with it.
tears? yeah...I've had my share this week. blubbering on the telephone to someone cause I just need an ear. hugs and squeezes from little hands and arms. tear stained pillows and church dresses, as well as wet spots on a good church shirt of my dads (but seriously, a father's hug and heartbeat are so amazing and calming). Mostly, I cry alone. My thoughts wander to how things will turn out, how things have been, and how I will miss them so terribly much. My heart hurts. I don't know how to heal a broken heart.

Some very, very important people are leaving, well, they have left my life for now. with what was a week's notice. Returned to Florida after 10 years in Ohio. 3 little girls gone. a lady and her husband who have become my rock and lighthouse for the past 9.5 years, gone. People whom I've shared tears, laughter, Bible studies, road trips, arguments, church services, late night pranks involving toilet paper and yard gnomes; are now gone. I do not cope well with people leaving. But I do not blame them for leaving...it was God's Will...and one cannot argue with God's will.
but...It's effected my schoolwork. Ive been throwing myself into my studies when I feel alive enough to do them. It will get better...with time. I need to find my genuine smile again, its hard to fake happiness so often. Sometimes I wish it were as easy as coloring myself with happy colors to force happiness back into certain avenues of my life. I am so glad for those friends who I love and the ones whom I love so much, who help produce a light inside me. And even more so, I am so thankful for the ONE who is THE Light, and who will make everything right in every situation.

Please...pray for clear minds, clear hearts, and God's will to be done in this trying time. Please pray for my little church. Pray for the deacons- my dad...my grandpa -who have what has been named a "monumental task" before them. Pray for the ones who are hurting, and the ones who have moved.

thursday night ramblings

the first week of grad school is over...4 more to go until fall quarter. Even though I only have two classes during this summer quarter (the second starts next week due to some sort of conflict apparently), I can tell this is going to be one of the hardest years of my school career.

Confession? I'm scared. ..even admitting that is a little hard. I've always said I'm so excited for my future, and I've always said I'm a little scared as well...but in reality, I'm terrified inside. Yeah, I know I can do it - I gotta. And yes, I know I have the support of my family and friends, and I have God...but, this is going to be hard. But I also know that I want this. I want this with every fiber of my being, and I'm going to work myself to the edge of my being so that I can accomplish this year and start my life. I covet any prayers that can go up for me as I start this path in my life, for as a I sit here typing, my mind is going in a thousand different directions as to what may happen in the course of this year.

I'll be completing my student teaching at Fairborn High School, with what I hear is Seniors in American Lit...how fitting for me! God surely does work in strange ways. I am excited about starting there in late august, but like I said, I'm nervous and a bit scared, but hey: what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right? haha

Life has slowed down for me lately, after returning from a weeks vacation in remote Canada (which was a blast by the way). Grad school is taking up my time now, and hopefully doing some photo shoots here and there. I hope I can pick up some shoots, it would really help my bank account lol and saving for my future. Plus I really do enjoy photography, and can only hope to become better at it.

Anyhoo, Ive not got a lot to write this evening, so I'll sign off with another list of "What has Andrea Learned Lately":

- fish are really ugly..especially Pike, but they're tasty...and picky...and beautiful in their own way.

- people still amaze me at their stupidity and ignorance...I mean come on, are you reallllyyyy that dumb??

- how can you know how to heal...until you're broken?

- random texts from people seriously make my day...

- beauty can be found in everything...and possibly myself...i think I'm starting to realize that.

-ohio was hotter than texas today and yesterday..geeezz.

- reflecting on myself, and the journey of my life...i've become practically another person...and I'm proud and unashamed of the person I've become.

- I was destined to be an English teacher...after coming home from Kindergarten on the first day extremely upset that I couldnt read...yeah, there's your sign ;)

just beachy :)

1 week ,2 girls and 14 hour drive later, I am back home from Florida! Wow, what a blur! A much needed vacation with my best friend landed us around Ocala, Florida by ourselves in a trailer owned by her grandparents. It most definitely ranks up with one of the best vacations I’ve had.

The drive down was spent mostly singing loudly…everything from bluegrass to hip-hop, country to southern gospel. And we achieved one of our goal – to learn all the “rap” to Jason Aldean’s “Dirt Road Anthem” (it’s a country song for those of you who don’t know…awesome song at that). People watching and car dancing were also included.

Spending two days at Daytona Beach was a blast, especially enjoying the boardwalk at night and the fireworks on the beach. We even saw a man escape 2 straight jackets and two chains while hanging about 20 feet in the air upside down! (let’s hope he didn’t learn that in prison ;)) We also spent a day in St. Augustine seeing the sights, and chasing crabs on the beach that night- or were the crabs chasing us..hm..

My best friend’s boyfriend lives down in Florida, so he was able to spend a good bit of his time with us as well, so the three of us had a very good time! Even though us girls got sunburned, I still escaped with a tan! Yay me!

Standing on the beach really made me think at one point in time…look at the vast ocean, and the grains of sand. Really look at them. God created all of it…and he knows the number of grains of sand. That’s mind blowing, breath taking, makes you speechless. Think about all the creatures (ok, maybe lets not think too much about the things I was swimming with) that are in the ocean…and think about their creator. Think about mine and YOUR creator. I serve an awesome God, and I’m so thankful my risen Savior reached his hand down for me- a lowly speck of dirt in the midst of amazing beauty.

The trip to St. Augustine was another moment that made me realize my blessings. Standing in the Basilica and seeing the many candles lit by others made me think about what an empty religion Catholicism is. Now you may be catholic reading this and be offended, but I make no apologies. I serve a savior who doesn’t ask me to pay $3 or $5 (yes, there really WAS a sign that said $3 & $5 for candles) to send prayers to heaven. Goodness, if I lit a candle for every person and thing I pray for, that whole church would be on fire and my bank account would be in the red. I don’t need the bishop or pope (or whoever it is) to make intercession for me, I have Jesus for that. Romans 8:34 takes care of that. My spot in heaven is secured and guaranteed, I don’t need to second guess it or have doubts about it. I was overcome with such sadness while standing in front of the man made beauty of the Cathedral for all the souls lost in such a false religion. It’s heartbreaking.

Other things I learned on the trip:

- Spending $60 on a week's worth of groceries at Walmart is really satisfying

- Eyelids really hurt when they are sunburned...and trust me when I say really hurt.

-Sunburn can cause swelling...and its not a good thing when it's your face.

- It's a little weird not having your parents around while on a vacation...especially your mothers to double check that you're doing things right

- I (well, we) can cook very well..and it was scrumptious!

- people...will always be incredibly strange.

- necessity truly is the mother of invention...especially when it comes to changing out of a wet bathing suit. a trail behind a bunch of mangrove trees does, in fact, suffice. (until a group of young boys start running around....)

- When you live with your bestfriend...privacy doing anything becomes a thing of the past... ha.

-Late nights (or early mornings, whichever) create very interesting conversations.

- mini frogs and lizards are fun to play with..

- I really talk to myself too much while driving... (not the creepy kind..but the 'talk-to-others-and-tell-em-what-you-think' kind of talking)

-reading tweets from twitter can help pass time

-PostSecret books. Enough said.

-old people on golfcarts, (or shopping carts for that matter) can be dangerous, yet hilarious.

-while walking the beach at night...you really DO need a flashlight, or you might meet a crab that becomes rather crabby, fast.. juuusss sayin.

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Wait for the guy that becomes your best friend who is never too busy to talk,

Whispers in your ear and grabs your hand while ya’ll walk.

The one who’ll kiss your forehead and use every excuse to kiss you somewhere,

And the one who will play with your hair.

Wait for the one who wakes you up with a Good Morning Beautiful, and a Good Night, Sweet dreams,

Who’s protective but trustworthy, who tells you his fears, ambitions stories and schemes.

Wait for the man who keeps a photo of you close by,

who’s hugs are squeezes and holds you if you cry.

The one who will stare for no reason and holds you close after arguments blow,

The man who could break your heart but never dreams of doing so.

And the summer begins...

Whew, what a blur of a month!! July is quickly approaching, and I’ve no idea where June went – May for that matter too.

The beginning of June brought my college graduation, boy, was that crazy. There were about 1300 people walking for a diploma that day, and every single name was read. The whole ceremony took about 3 hours, but don’t ask me what speeches were about, I have absolutely no clue; my friends and I were most definitely not paying attention. The evening brought a small part/dinner with the people closest to me and who have supported me throughout my life. I am so truly blessed to have such wonderful, Godly people in my life.

For the past few months I have been praying and anxious about graduate school. I was finally accepted (officially about 2 weeks ago), since I finally (after the 3^rd time) passed the state Praxis exam. Gah, don’t even get me started on state testing and how incredibly stupid it all is. Honestly, I woke up that morning KNOWING that I was going to see a failing score. I knew it..in fact, I already had other plans of what I was going to do this summer. I already had the admission packet to Sinclair sitting on my desk getting ready to fill it out. My plan was to attend Sinclair for at least a year and go through their Sign Language Interpreting program, then try to get into Wright State’s grad program again next year. In all honesty, I still want to get a SLI degree, so maybe someday. But, God apparently had other plans, and I ended up passing the praxis with a 171 (I needed a 167-Ohio ranks something like #2 in the nation for the highest praxis passing score, by the way). I was so ecstatic about passing and getting accepting into the Master’s program- Yes I DID do a happy dance, thank you!

I will start the program July 19^th, so I’ve only got a few weeks of a summer to have fun. This time next year I will be on the hunt for my career path goal of a High School English/Language Arts teacher. So, to kick off the summer, I’ll be driving to Florida with my best friend for a week of vacation-Just the two of us. Look out Florida!! ;) We’ll be staying in her grandparents trailer around Ocala, so We’ll be in the middle of all the old people haha, oh this shall be fun. It’s basically a miracle of God that I’m allowed to go…and I don’t think I’ll actually believe it until we get out of Ohio. Needless to say, my room is pretty much a mess from packing. Oh I’m so excited. FB will certainly be containing many, many photos from the trip.

I also did my first wedding shoot (photography) last weekend. That was interesting..photos turned out decently for what I had to work with : storms…rain…dark tent with no lighting…drunk people...a prego bride…people are so weird.

So, what have I learned in the past month?

- - I am a hoarder…a small scale one. I cleaned my room and found things from elementary school that I still didn’t want to let go of.

- - I really overpack for trips..but you never know what’s gonna happen, right?!

- - Random fact..the Uzi was named after an Israeli guy…huh, that’s cool.

- - Being left handed puts absolutely everything backwards…even laundry folding.

- - I have a few too many green things..especially purse accessories, pens, and shirts..all different shades, but mostly bright.

- - I really don’t do well with medicine that knocks me out or numbs me. The numbing crap for a filling at the dentist made me sick feeling and stupid acting. Oh boy.

- - What not to do at a wedding…please oh, pleeaseee, God, don’t let my wedding be redneck central.

I'm sure there's more, but thats all for now, for I'm in search of my whetstone for sharpening my pocket knife...what good is a knife if its not glittery and sharp? ;)