feelings

things really do not make much much sense sometimes. I've been having a really hard time in the past week dealing with some things in my life. Honestly, it feels as if things have been turned upside down...and I've no clue as to how to deal with it.
tears? yeah...I've had my share this week. blubbering on the telephone to someone cause I just need an ear. hugs and squeezes from little hands and arms. tear stained pillows and church dresses, as well as wet spots on a good church shirt of my dads (but seriously, a father's hug and heartbeat are so amazing and calming). Mostly, I cry alone. My thoughts wander to how things will turn out, how things have been, and how I will miss them so terribly much. My heart hurts. I don't know how to heal a broken heart.

Some very, very important people are leaving, well, they have left my life for now. with what was a week's notice. Returned to Florida after 10 years in Ohio. 3 little girls gone. a lady and her husband who have become my rock and lighthouse for the past 9.5 years, gone. People whom I've shared tears, laughter, Bible studies, road trips, arguments, church services, late night pranks involving toilet paper and yard gnomes; are now gone. I do not cope well with people leaving. But I do not blame them for leaving...it was God's Will...and one cannot argue with God's will.
but...It's effected my schoolwork. Ive been throwing myself into my studies when I feel alive enough to do them. It will get better...with time. I need to find my genuine smile again, its hard to fake happiness so often. Sometimes I wish it were as easy as coloring myself with happy colors to force happiness back into certain avenues of my life. I am so glad for those friends who I love and the ones whom I love so much, who help produce a light inside me. And even more so, I am so thankful for the ONE who is THE Light, and who will make everything right in every situation.

Please...pray for clear minds, clear hearts, and God's will to be done in this trying time. Please pray for my little church. Pray for the deacons- my dad...my grandpa -who have what has been named a "monumental task" before them. Pray for the ones who are hurting, and the ones who have moved.